I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.

I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera.

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.