Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.

I deliver my Truth hot and hard.

Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.