It's not tipping I believe in. It's overtipping.

You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

I would like a wine. The purpose of the wine is to get me drunk. A bad wine will get me as drunk as a good wine. I would like the good wine. And since the result is the same no matter which wine I drink, I'd like to pay the bad wine price.

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.