It's funny that some ideas start with a little "What if?" and then suddenly you're spending a million dollars to shoot the scene and hoping that it works.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

I've put an umbrella in my mouth and opened it. I sat in a lemon-meringue pie. I've done terrible things to my dog with a fork.

Awards mean nothing to comedians. What matters is the audience, how you're doing - artistically, for the most part - at that moment.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it.