It [live performance] is just very difficult. Doing an hour, hour and a half of live standup is an endurance test. You almost have to do it every day to stay up on it.

I've run into people in my life who were so dramatic; people who are so extreme and so frustrating to be around that you end up thinking about them and talking about them for literally years after your experience with them is over.

Being on Twitter is like having a fern.

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

I always felt the audience sorta tolerated the serious musical parts while I was doing my comedy.

I would like a wine. The purpose of the wine is to get me drunk. A bad wine will get me as drunk as a good wine. I would like the good wine. And since the result is the same no matter which wine I drink, I'd like to pay the bad wine price.

You can't make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.