Half the people you know are below average.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.