Half the people you know are below average.

Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.