The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven WrightI was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven WrightI was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.
Steven WrightIf you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven WrightIn Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven WrightMy friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven WrightI wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
Steven WrightI got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven WrightLast night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven WrightTo the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven WrightMy friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven WrightTell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Steven WrightIf it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven WrightI was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.
Steven WrightWhen I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven WrightRight now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven WrightI wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
Steven WrightThe best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven WrightI wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven WrightWhen I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
Steven WrightI liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven WrightYou know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Steven WrightI got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Steven WrightI went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright