Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I took a baby shower.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.