It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.