The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.