The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Is it possible to be totally partial?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.