The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.