The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.