The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.