You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.