If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"