When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

What do batteries run on?

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.