When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.