When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.