I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?