I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.