I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.