I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

I lost a button hole.