I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'