I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.