I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.