I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.