I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

The speed of time is one second per second.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'