I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it