I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.