If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'