I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Half the people you know are below average.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."