Hermits have no peer pressure.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?