I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.