I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.