I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?