My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.