My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'