I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
I was skydiving horizontally.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.