I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it