I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?