I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.