I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat