I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."