Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?