I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."