I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

I took a baby shower.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat