I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.