I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.