Working on television is like being shot out of a cannon. They cram you all up with rehearsals, then someone lights a fuse and - .BANG! - there you are in someone's living room.

The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.

Drink reacts on its practitioners in conflicting ways. One brave can knock off a quart of Scotch and look and act as sober as Herbert Hoover. Another, after three Martinis, makes two-cushion carroms off the chaise lounge as he attempts to negotiate the bathroom.

I'm the foe of moderation, the champion of excess.

I have enemies I've never met - that's fame.

Television could perform a great service in mass education, but there's no indication its sponsors have anything like this on their minds.

My progress reminded me of the horses in The Whip. They raced at the limit of their speed directly toward the audience. But they raced on a treadmill which canceled out their progress.