In my lifetime I've been to bed with men, women, and odd pieces of furniture.

Going down on a woman gives me a stiff neck, going down on a man gives me lockjaw and conventional sex gives me claustrophobia.

I have been tight as a tick! Fried as a mink! Stiff as a goat!

It's one of the tragic ironies of the theatre that only one man in it can count on steady work - the night watchman.

[To the man who came up to her at a party and exclaimed effusively, 'Tallulah! I haven't seen you for 41 years!':] I thought I told you to wait in the car.

The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.

I'm as pure as the driven slush.