Going down on a woman gives me a stiff neck, going down on a man gives me lockjaw and conventional sex gives me claustrophobia.

I have been tight as a tick! Fried as a mink! Stiff as a goat!

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.

I've been called many things, but never an intellectual.

I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.

Will TV kill the theater? If the programs I have seen, save for "Kukla, Fran and Ollie," the ball games and the fights, are any criterion, the theater need not wake up in a cold sweat.