I have three phobias ...: I hate going to bed, get up and hate hate being alone.

Going down on a woman gives me a stiff neck, going down on a man gives me lockjaw and conventional sex gives me claustrophobia.

They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum.

I'm not childless, darling. I am childfree.

I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone.

Television could perform a great service in mass education, but there's no indication its sponsors have anything like this on their minds.

(On seeing a former lover for the first time in years) I thought I told you to wait in the car.