Isn't it strange how someone can be both human and divine at the same time? I am referring, of course, to myself.

If you don't trust everybody on stage with you, then you're in trouble.

It's not so much that I'm an atheist so much as the sneaking suspicion that I myself may be god

In an interstellar burst, I am back to save the universe. In a deep deep sleep of the innocent, I am born again. In a fast German car, I'm amazed that I survived, An airbag saved my life...

It's not racist if I like the race. But I don't like Asian people.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he's a goddamn chicken he doesn't know what the **** he's doing

I often fake my death and then just show up at people's houses. They say 'that's a good one Thom' but I know maybe they don't really think it's a funny joke.