I stopped showering ever since I realized water causes people to drown. I cannot risk being so close to something that can murder me. Do you let killers into your house? Oh, but you let a murderer come out of your own faucet. Hypocrite.

I've been working hard on a new song, it's titled "Frozen Piggy Pudding". It's about how the government is full of pigs who eat pudding all day. Oh look a frisbee, allo' govna.

I know I'm 38 but I insist that santa claus exists and he raped my mother when I was 9.

I'm Chris Martin with down syndrome

Sex is more than an act of pleasure, it’s the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it’s almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment you’re a part of them.

People are born with certain faces, like my father was born with a face that people want to hit.

My nickname in high school was jack-o-lantern because I'm missing 9 teeth