My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A typhoon couldn't blow that thing off their heads. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.