Tim Allen Quotes

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, "Dad's an idiot," which lasted a little longer than I'd like.

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

I do a lot of family shows.

I have a thing for tools.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.

I'm one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.

Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.