If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

I've gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I'm back to a flip-phone. It's funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they're considered antiques.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo Gigio

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.