My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.