My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.