My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.