So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.