So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.