So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.