I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.