Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.