I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.