I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.