I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.