One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."