One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out