Tim Vine Quotes

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.