So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.