So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'