So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.