So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.